i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
