Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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