dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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