i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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