Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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