I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
