stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
