Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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