i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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