I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
