apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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