First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
