then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
