coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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