is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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