happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
