That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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