How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This is classic penis vs brain.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
