She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
