Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
