Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
