At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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