is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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