Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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