I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
