if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wear drunk well.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
