i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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