Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
