y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
