distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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