i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
