How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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