i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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