Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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