I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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