This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
