FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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