so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
