I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
