Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
