Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
