God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
