Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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