hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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