i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
