I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
