I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
