she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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