You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
