Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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