my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
