I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
