you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
