my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
