She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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