Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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